My first trip to Bali was also my first sacred journey, only I was not aware of it at that time. The year was 2015, I was going through a tough time. The person I loved and cared for the most, ghosted me. At first I thought it was a joke, then it hit me very hard. I was severely depressed for a good part of that year trying to piece together what had happened and why.
Depression was not new to me, having faced it in 2011-12 after a dear friend passed on. I had learned how to fight my way out of it and I have captured it in a TEDxTalk here, if you would like to understand the process at a high level. I knew depression comes and goes in cycles; one day you are in the woods, the following day, you are out of it. But, this time it was different. I found myself wandering in circles. There was no way out of the woods. Back in 2011, I had made a big mistake. Although I was drowning in grief, I did not reach out to my friends. This time I did. While death is a difficult topic to discuss and most people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, they don’t hold back when it comes to a heartbreak from a romantic relationship.
“You will get over him soon!”
“There are plenty of fish in the ocean!”
“He never loved you, otherwise he would not do this to you.”
“What an @$$hole! Forget him!”
Don’t get me wrong. These words came from my friends who wanted to help me. They meant well, but their words hurt me. I loved him. He loved me, I had seen it in his eyes. Plus, he was a very nice guy. That’s why I could not figure out why he would choose to ghost me. I too was a good guy, a very positive person and a rational one. Then why was it so difficult to let go? How to let go? What to let go when I had nothing left with me?
I was more left-brained then. I didn’t understand why it hurt so much. My analytical mind was trying to come up with reasons as to what exactly happened and why. Why? My confidence took a hit. My self-dignity took a hit. All that stuff that comes up when someone rejects you. It is like you have been deleted. You have been dumped into the recycle bin on their computer. You are just a file. When they empty the trash can, you are gone forever. And, all this while you love them so much. You love them so much that you feel it is okay. There must be a reason why. Why… You go on analyzing. Like they say, too much analysis needs to paralysis. There were days when I had to drag myself out of the bed and keep pushing myself to keep going. The pain was so bad, I thought I was going to die. My shoulders felt burdened. My heart hurt. I felt terrible, terrible pain.
“Why do you always think you don’t have any faults?” His words rang in my ears. They propelled me to look inward, to examine myself, to learn more about myself. How could I improve myself? Who could advise me? Who could guide me? Who could heal me?
That’s when I remembered about the movie Eat Pray Love, based on Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir where Julia Roberts plays the author’s character. She travels to Italy, India, and Indonesia. Along the way, she heals herself and falls in love all over again. A good part of the movie was shot in Bali where she met a couple of famous healers. I decided to go to Bali. If traveling helped her find herself, maybe it would help me find myself. I did some research and lined up appointments with a couple of Balinese healers through an online portal.
On 27 September 2015, I reached Bali and checked into my room at Santi Mandala Villa and Spa in Ubud, the spiritual capital of Bali. Since I reached late in the afternoon, I just rested at my villa. I hadn’t realized it was a full moon night. It was also a supermoon and a blood moon. Plus, it was a supermoon eclipse on the following morning. The last time it had occurred was in 1982, and the next time it will occur is 2033. It was a night of intense energies. Around 9:25pm in the evening, I gave in to the urge and sat down to meditate.
I zoomed off through a portal that had pink grilles. It took me away from earth at a great speed into a second portal. I could see bright light on one side and stars on the other. Then I was taken underground, into Inner Earth, where Yeshua was waiting for me. At first, I mistook him to be a lady; I was still getting used to seeing him energetically. As soon as I recognized him, he pointed upwards. A ray of light shot up from the tip of his fingers. I turned my head up to see he was pointing at another portal. This one was brightly lit but I could see stars at a distance. The portal was rotating on itself, as if it were rolling on its side. My body started to sway as it tried to mimic the rotation of the portal. I could feel myself realigning with the universe.
“Concentrate,” Yeshua said. “Tonight is a special day for learning. Concentrate.”
Where am I? I asked in my head as I saw a flat black rock that had a defined geometry I didn’t know. Was there a reason for seeing that black stone?
I saw my reflection and a building that had minarets.
Why are you showing me this?
The minarets had a hollow cylindrical shape and so they could rotate on their axes, around their centres, aligning themselves with the core of the universe, the way an engine works.
Why am I being shown this?
“You have been here before. You have studied religions. You have studied philosophies. You have done a lot of work before, which you cannot remember.”
I saw myself wearing a muslim cap and sitting inside a mosque.
What are you telling me?
“You have the inherent goodness in your heart to understand different people. You understand what love for God is.”
I suddenly saw myself as a skirt of a Sufi, a whirling dervish. I was twirling away — high and low, round and round. I had been there before.
I saw steps leading me up to an ancient ring-like structure made from a dark stone. It looked man-made.
What are you showing me?
“We are showing you the platform where a temple used to stand. You have been here too.”
Are these my past lives?
Then how are these places connected?
“Through consciousness, everything is connected.”
You have said that to me before but why are you showing me these specific sites?
“Your work is to unite people. The only way you can unite them is through your trust in God and in His Love. And, your love for God. Align yourself to let go of all expectations and yet at the same time have that trust in God to take a leap of faith.”
Why have I been assigned this work?
“It was your choice.”
Everything became still. I could hear insects chirping outside in the garden.
“This is what happens when you concentrate. Expand your heart.”
I could feel my heart beginning to expand. I felt my heart was like a big ball. It got bigger than my body. Then it became bigger than the room, the villa, Ubud. It grew bigger and bigger — bigger than the earth. The entire universe was in my heart and my heart was in the universe — it was one and the same thing.
“When you know everything is the same, why do you worry so much? When you know everyone is the same, why do you worry so much?”
How can I move forward?
“Sit straight with a straight back. Put your palms on your knees. Go to the Buddha mudra. Fingertips do not touch.”
I could feel we were connecting to another portal thorough the palms of my hands. I could see us on a beach. I felt happy.
Who are you?
“I am Her.”
She had golden hair, wavy golden hair. And, she wore white clothes. There was light coming out from behind her. It was getting brighter and brighter. I got ready to go through the light. I could see the lining of a cloud.
“Your time has come, son. Become happy again. Become young at heart. There’s no need to be sad. We will take care of you. Don’t waste your time. Meditate.”
I felt my shoulders and back get heavier. I could feel my wings. They were getting bigger and bigger as I flew upwards. I had been an angel before; I had lived through countless dreams and wakeful moments feeling and knowing I had wings, but I had never felt them as I did now.
“What I am showing you is that you have been everywhere. You are everywhere. Do not feel disconnected. Do not feel alone. If you want to do this work, you must do it from your heart, with the feeling of happiness, with the feeling of trust, with the feeling of faith. With faith, with belief. As you rise high above, your wings are getting stronger and stronger. You flap them and you feel so much strength — the strength you haven’t felt before. It is not about power. It has never been about power. It is about the strength in your heart to love even in the face of all the hatred, even in the face of all unforgivable acts that go on around you. You have the power, in that sense, to love from your heart unconditionally. This is who you are. This is who everybody else is, but they have forgotten this. The only way we can connect everyone again is through this Love.”
I began to sway back and forth like a tuning fork, no longer in circular movements.
“Take a break.”
What are you telling me?
“That you have got to rise above everything else. You have the strength to teach people how to love. Show them how to love each other. Show them how to believe in love again. Fix their hearts.”
How do I do that?
“Expand your heart. Feel the connection. Connect. When you connect through the heart, you can feel sense their disconnect. That’s when you can really touch them.”
What are the next steps for me? Apparently, you are not supposed to tell me what to do… I said teasingly, hoping She would tell me.
“We tell you what to do when we know it is important to tell you that. Many a time, you have meandered off course, and so we had to drag you back. So, yes, we do get involved with suggestions. But, we allow you the freedom to decide.”
Tomorrow I am meeting a healer and a palmist.
“They won’t tell you anything you don’t already know. But, yes, keep your heart open because we will communicate through them. You will know. You will understand.”
What is the lesson for me?
“Patience, child.” She smiled. “Wait.”
Okay. I feel sleepy.
“Then sleep. You are tired.”