When we really love someone we have to learn to trust them. A relationship without trust cannot last.
Trust is the courage with which we face our fears—of loneliness, of fidelity, and of the end.
Sometimes we get into relationships because we cannot face loneliness anymore. It feels good to have someone to take care of us, to assure us our insecurities are temporary, and be kind and loving towards us. But once we feel these lovely, comforting feelings, we begin to worry about losing it all. We begin to push them to conform to our expectations. We ask them to do one thing and stop them from doing another. We shout at them. We fight with them. We stop talking to them. In the end, the relationship becomes intolerable and the other person leaves. This makes us feel worse. We try to exact revenge. We try to hurt them even more to satisfy our false sense of pride.
But why has this happened? Didn’t we want things to be as they were in the beginning? What went wrong? Several things.
At first, we pretended to be someone we were not. We wanted the person to like us. We made them like us, only it wasn’t the real us. We never had the courage to trust our own charm. We didn’t believe our true self could impress them.
Then we tried to mold them into someone they were not. We didn’t even trust we would like them in their own natural being. We tried to push them to change their ways so we would feel comfortable with them. And when they wanted to move out, we didn’t trust ourselves to let them go. Our fears multiplied and we hurt.
We must learn to trust ourselves before we can learn to trust others.

 

對外間信任

當真正愛一個人,我們必須學會信任他們。沒有信任的關係無法長久。
信任是面對孤獨、忠誠和死亡恐懼的勇氣。
有時候,我們開展關係,只因無法再面對孤獨。有人去照顧我們,不安全感暫時得到安撫,和輸送關懷及愛意的感覺真妙。一旦我們感受到這些愛和安慰,又開始擔心會失去這一切。我們開始促使對方符合自己期望。我們要求他們做這,並阻止他們做那。我們向他們發怒。甚至打架。我們不再互相交談。結束時,關係已忍無可忍得令對方退出。這令我們心情更壞。我們企圖報復。我們企圖更傷害他們更多以滿足那份假自豪感。
但這為什麼會發生?難道我們不想一切甜蜜如初見?錯在哪裡?有幾點。
起初,我們假裝成別人。我們希望那人愛上我們。我們令對方愛上自己,只不是那並不是真正的「我」。我們從沒勇氣相信自己的魅力。我們不相信真我能給他們深刻印象。
然後我們企圖塑造他們成另一個人。我們甚至不信任自己會喜歡對方真情流露。我們試圖強迫他們改變,只求相處時自己更舒服。當對方想搬走,我們不信任自己讓他們離開。我們的恐懼失控,我們受傷了。
我們必須先學會信任自己,才能學懂相信別人。

 

The Prism of Life (by Ansh Das, Signal 8 Press 2014)